Making Etiquette Easy: Consoling Broken Hearts

Image from Hundreds of Heads

In honor of Valentines Day - and for any of us who have ever spent this lovin' holiday solo - let's talk about what happens when the relationship does not go so well.. We've all had a friend call (or maybe we even made the call ourselves) to sob about a relationship's end.

• Don't Instigate. You may have heard there was trouble brewing, but never be the one to badger and ask your friend how things are going with their significant other if you smell trouble. Let them call you or be the one to volunteer information about what went wrong. Even as close as you are, breakups are a very private matter that need some time to heal before someone's ready to disclose details.
• Be a Good Listener. This goes without saying, but be available to listen, listen, and listen some more. Those whose hearts have been crushed can masterfully state the same principle over and over again with different words. Always listen, and create room for them to feel comfortable venting by asking questions like, "what else happened" or "of course, let's talk about this."
• No Slander. As tempting as it may be, don't focus any of your energy on the opposite party (the one who 'dumped' your friend). Your friend will most certainly have mixed feelings about him or her, and you never know that they won't get back together. This is an especially unfortunate error if the opposite party eventually becomes an in-law.
• Be Patient. You've got to be willing to buck-down and know that 90% of the conversations with your friend will revolve around this situation for weeks and possibly months. Be as sympathetic and understanding as you can. You never know when you'll need the same graces.
• Don't Talk about "Other Fish in the Pond." A breakup period is not the time to discuss all the other possibilities for dating. Your friend needs time to heal and feel comfortable in their own skin. The worse thing you can do is encourage rebound relationships, which only delay the real grieving process and end up being messy.
• Provide Healthy Distractions: Taking your friend to bars and clubs may seem like a no-brainer, but it doesn't really do much for their overall health. Spend time with your friend doing things to take their mind off of the breakup, not impair their memory. Concerts, dinners, movies, sports, church, etc. are all good suggestions.
• Don't Offer False Hope: The most important thing to avoid is falling into the trap of saying, "he/she will come back." Doing so provides false hope and only delays the reality that the relationship is over. Be kind to your friend, but be realistic. In the end, they'll trust you so much more.