Making Etiquette Easy: Handling Divorce Socially

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According to repeated statistics, the likelihood of divorce in the United States is high. And as unfortunate as it may be, none of us are in the place to step fully into one another's shoes to comprehend what they've gone through when couples decide to go their separate ways. What we can do, however, is politely and appropriately respond to our friends and colleagues with etiquette and respect.

When navigating around this difficult topic, here are some things to remember:

• In the Workplace: If you hear that someone is getting a divorce, a simple, "How are you doing? Please let me know if there is anything I can do," is an appropriate response. Offering your sympathies could be considered an unintended insult. Remember, most people like to keep their personal life separate from their work life, so always respect that first.
• Divorce Parties: While many are still on the fence about these celebrations of singledom, I'm a believer that there is always some kind of loss in this situation, and celebrating it- namely with gifts and alcohol - isn't the best way to go. Steer clear of conviviality in honor of this occasion.
• The Thought that Counts: While I'm also not an advocate of sending a 'divorce card,' a thoughtful call or note can be appreciated. Instead of focusing on the bad, try to suggest a night out to see a funny movie or going to dinner instead of ex-spouse bashing.
• Keep your Thoughts to Yourself: Even though you may disagree with the choices of another, you should always keep your thoughts to yourself once a decision has been made. This is to protect any children involved, as well as assure your continued professionalism and/or loyalty to the person.
• Don't Ask: Always remember that the affected person is the only one who has the right to bring up the matter of their divorce. Do not ask invasive questions or personal questions on the matter since you don't know all the facts.
  

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Funerals

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Sadly, the amount of funerals we attend seems to multiply as we age. And what’s most upsetting at times is when people are disrespectful at these somber occasions because they didn’t brush up on their etiquette- or maybe even common sense. Remember these things next time you attend one. While many people may not notice your appropriate behavior, they will certainly notice when you act in bad taste.

• Only attend funerals for people you know or whom your spouse/family was close to. You should blend into the crowd, not waving to everyone you know like it is a social event. Remember that while you might have already reconciled the passing of this person, others may need time to grieve.
• Never take pictures or video/phone media to record any part of the service. These ceremonies, unless nationally broadcast, are meant to pay homage in privacy. Besides, the result of this media usually only relives the sadness.
• If you’ve offered to help with the planning, food arrangements, or accommodations for guests, do not charge the family for such services. People get taken advantage of in times of distress, and you should be there for support, not profit.
• Be careful of your commentary. Comments about the size of the funeral or stories of things ‘far worse’ that have happened to yourself or your friends are not appropriate in this setting. Never complain about the food, weather, or time frame of the ceremony.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: New Babies

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Just because babies are too young to know anything about right and wrong- let alone etiquette, it doesn’t mean that adults are exempt from minding their manners when in the presence of one. If you’ve recently had an infant addition to your family, or maybe just to a good friend, keep these things in mind:

• Three Day Rule: New mothers need their rest and they also need time to bond with their baby. It’s best not to call or request a visit (unless told you could) until at least three days have passed. Immediate family is the exception to the rule, though even then they shouldn’t insist on staying the night.
• Do the Work: One of the most common poor etiquette pitfalls is to show up at the newborns home and watch the new mom have to work while everyone holds her child. Guests should never expect meals or to be served, and should instead offer to help in any way possible.
• Use Technology: New parents should utilize their voicemail and websites to publicly announce when visitors are welcome, which should help prevent unannounced guests.
• Adult Thank-You’s: New parents should send notes of thanks for gifts from themselves, not on behalf of the child. They should also send out birth announcements within three months to notify friends and family.
• Listen to Mom: Take cues from the new mother. If she’s dressed in pajamas, tells you she has to feed the newborn, or let’s you know her pediatrician doesn’t want the baby passed around much, listen. It might be that you want to return to visit at another time.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Maternity

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If you work at a company with women from all stages of life, odds are that you will eventually have personal contact with a soon-to-be mom. If you are a woman yourself, it’s easy to believe you know exactly what it’s like for that person, but everyone deals with these kind of events differently. Especially when you’re in the workplace, be sure to abide by these general rules so you don’t unintentionally cross any boundaries.

• If you’re not sure, don’t say anything. Sure, you may have worked with her for the last two years and you are certain that she’s never gained weight like this, but don’t assume she’s pregnant or ask just based off of hypothesis. If a woman is pregnant, wait until she is ready to announce it before mentioning it.
• Refrain from commenting on eating habits or weight: Chances are that you’ll notice a few changes in your pregnant coworker, including her eating habits and her body shape/weight. Even though it’s a natural part of life, refrain from talking about food or weight as they can make even a secure (non hormonal) person uncomfortable.
• Don’t touch the stomach: Whatever you do, it is completely unacceptable to touch a woman’s stomach in the workplace. It may be something you do often when your sister is pregnant, but touching a person’s stomach is a very personal manner. Even if it doesn’t offend the one who is pregnant, it can certainly make for an awkward situation in the office.
• If you attend a shower, bring a gift. If you participate in a workplace baby shower, be sure to bring a gift as well. If you are not close with the soon-to-be mom, still invest in something off of her registry or a gift card.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Adult Birthday Dinners

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While we may have traded in the days of face-painting and jump-houses to rightfully celebrate our birthdays, we haven’t stopped creatively celebrating them into our adult years. But sometimes the colors and crayons seemed so much simpler. Nowadays we have to figure out if we can bring gifts, who’s paying, and what’s expected of us. Here are a few birthday party tips to keep in mind:

• No Gifts means No Gifts: If you read on an invitation that the honored guest requests no gifts, do not bring one. No matter how you feel about coming empty-handed, it will be much more uncomfortable for the host, the honored guest and the rest of the party who correctly abided by the instructions. You can always make a donation to their favorite charity and write that message inside their birthday card.
• If they don’t want a Party, don’t have one: Sure, you may be a party-planner extraordinaire, but the last thing you want to do is go against the wishes of the person you are trying to respect.
• Ageless Invitations: Typically, unless it’s a mile marker invitation that the honored guest agrees to ‘fess’ up to, leave the age off of the invitation. A lot of women and men prefer not to publicize their age on party invitations.
• Who Pays for What: Always take your cue from the invitations. If the honoree has sent out an invitation and invited you to join them for dinner, it is proper to let them pay. If they simply indicated a meeting point for a gathering, it is likely that you will be paying for your own meal and then chipping in for the birthday man/woman.
• Most importantly, have fun while celebrating another year with friends and family.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Mother’s Day

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While each of us only has one true biological mother, many of us have been impacted by great women who have either filled that role or widened our horizons at some point in life. So who should be honored - and how - is what I’ve outlined below:

Who?

This day is all about mom, and that is the most important message to get across no matter how far away you live or how many moms or stepmoms you may have. It is also important to set aside some time to think about all of the important contributing women in your life (grandmothers, mother-in-laws, significant aunts or neighbors, etc.)

Since the day recognizes mothers worldwide, consider other mothers you can reach out to, including new or expecting moms, friends who have lost children, and neighbors who have children serving the country overseas.

How?

• Plan ahead. Saving money to get flowers sent a week later or trying to schedule a reservation at the 11^th hour isn’t what mom wants. Try to think through a plan to honor her—you may even get an early bird special.
• What can be better than a gift to mom from all of her children? Try to select something that fits in everyone’s budget and is something mom could really use or enjoy, like her favorite lotions or perfume, speciality kitchenware, or a luxury day at the spa? If siblings cannot agree, they should give separate gifts.
• Take her to lunch. If you are splitting your day between multiple mothers, consider taking one to brunch and the other to dinner. The important thing is to honor each one separately and in a way that is unique to them.
• And most of all, Happy Mother's Day.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Workplace Weddings

When you or your daughter/son are about to tie the knot, it’s hard not to get everyone wrapped up in the excitement of the big day—including your coworkers. And even though you enjoy most of them, it's understandable if you don’t have the space or the moolah to have them all attend the big day. So what is/isn’t okay to say and do in regards to the upcoming nuptials in a professional environment:

Most people understand that they most likely won’t be invited if they aren’t a personal friend outside of work. However, it’s always fair to start spreading the news that the wedding will be mostly family and intimate or that (unfortunately) it’s all about budget, budget, budget. The news will spread and the mystery will die down.

Some coworkers may offer to host a shower in your honor at the office. This is the only exception to the rule that all shower attendees must be invited to the wedding. It’s a good way for the people you see everyday to honor the event, as long as everyone’s clear that not everyone could be invited.

The best thing is to be upfront about your invitation intentions from the get-go. If you intend on inviting your boss or some coworkers and not others, be sure to send the invitations to their home address, never pass them out at work.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina