Making Etiquette Easy: The Break Up

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We live in a generation where the lines of communication have become both advanced and nonexistent all at the same time. There's no better proof of this than in the dating circuit, especially when it's decided that a relationship road must come to an end. Below are some common strategies for ending romantic relationships, as well as some thoughts regarding the appropriate way to handle these unfortunate situations with sensitivity and grace:

• Just Do It: The most annoying and inappropriate form of breaking up is the 'disappearance' of ones significant other. With all the resources out there to communicate and stay in touch, it's unacceptable to leave someone unsure of the status of your relationship. Manners dictate that no matter how scared you are to tell the truth, you must.
• I Want 2 Break up: That being said, texting and emailing are not the way to go either. Avoid delivering any serious news via a text message. With all the social online dating sites, your relationship may have started there, but it certainly shouldn't end using that forum.
• Time Sensitivity: It is important not to schedule this potentially difficult conversation around an important event for the other person. Holidays, birthdays, work deadlines, and final exams all count for 'bad timing.'
• Privacy: Put yourself in the other person's shoes. My guess is that you certainly would not like to receive this information at a bar, in a public restaurant, or the like. Treat the matter with respect and tell the person one-on-one in a private face-to-face setting.
• Move Along: When it's all over, show respect for the other person by keeping your negative thoughts to yourself. The only thing worse than being broken up with via text message is having this news plastered all over the internet via social media.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Staring

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We were all taught that if we were going to stare, we might as well 'take a picture, it'll last longer.' But sometime the people watching is half of the fun, not to mention the time it helps pass as we commute along during our workday. Somewhere between the idea that we should be flattered when people take notice of us and the fact that it is impolite to stare, lie the rules of everyday staring:

• Avoid Staring: It's always best not to stare, but some of us have to be cognizant of this action in order to stop it. If you're in a crowded space, try to focus your attention on something like your laptop or straight ahead on signage. It's okay to look around, but make sure you shift your glaze and don't fixate on any one single person.
• Dress the Part: If you always find yourself too curious to look away, consider investing in some sunglasses, or at least carry a distraction (i.e. newspaper or cell phone) so that if you do get too antsy, you can focus in on something else.
• Caught in the Act: If someone notices you looking their direction, the best thing to do is give them a quick and kind smile and then turn your gaze elsewhere. There's no need to make a big deal of it, but it can quickly become one if you don't stop.
• How to Respond: What if you're the object of a "Staring Tom?" Try your best to grant some mercy- and remember that perhaps they forgot their book or usual conversation partner for the day. If they don't look away, offer a quick smile and don't look their way again.

Making Etiquette Easy: New Friends

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Of course it's true that everyone is busy, but that doesn't mean that we don't crave spending time with quality friends. Maybe you've built up quite a network in the social community, but maybe you haven't. For those of you who travel a lot or work from home, it can be challenging to land and maintain friendships. Here's how you go about it- whether you're a veteran friend-finder or a novice:

• Be Bold: The main reason we miss out on friends is often because we don't seize the moment. When you meet someone intriguing or like-minded and you've shared some time in conversation, be sure to ask for their card or at least get their name. You never know when your circles may cross again. It's perfectly okay to let someone know you enjoyed their company and would love to get drinks in the near future.
• Follow-Up: May people freeze when it comes to figuring out how long to wait and what to suggest. Yes, calling a new friend can often feel like a cold-call to ask someone on a date, but at least the romantic variable is removed. Wait at least a week or so and then suggest to meet somewhere neutral (i.e. a park if you are a stay-at-home mom, a local restaurant you've been wanting to try, or doing something unique to the city you just moved to). If they turn down your initial offer, put the ball in their court to see if they have any other times/ideas.
• Look for common interests: When you kick off a new friendship, focus on your common interests. Sometimes it's easiest to establish friendships with people you know you will see regularly (i.e. at the group yoga class, the art class, or when you both volunteer at the church).
• Let it evolve naturally: Some of us have experienced the 'crazy boyfriend/girlfriend' scenarios where they wouldn't stop calling or they would show up unexpectedly at our door. This is not who you want to be to your new friend. Some people may literally not have enough time to do things; some may have too much time. Be patient and let things play out naturally. Keep yourself in control and always remember you can say 'no,' too.
• Introduce them to your 'old' friends: If you enjoy your new friends company, why not share it? Invite them to be a part of your broader circle of friends if you live close to everyone. If not, start the foundation for a new circle of friends.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: I'm Sorry v. Excuse Me

In today's culture, we often mix up regret with pardon or visa versa. While most people are gracious enough to let it slide, it is important that we know when to say we're 'sorry' or when to say 'excuse me.' There's no need to take the blame when it isn't necessary, but it is equally important to take the blame when it is necessary.

• "I'm sorry" should be used when there has been an offense, such as stepping on someone's toes or intentionally/accidentally bumping into someone. It is a passive form of expressing regret. For instance, "I'm sorry I bumped you in the shoulder."
• Use the words 'I'm sorry' sparingly. Annoying at best, the repetition of this phrase only waters down its true meaning. When it is used incorrectly, it also puts the receiving person in an awkward spot because they are unsure of how to respond.
• "Excuse me" should be used when you are trying to politely get someone's attention, attempting to navigate through a crowd, or when you are approaching a stranger to ask something of them . For instance, you might say, "Excuse me, did you leave your sunglasses on the boat?" In this example, you needn't apologize for trying to help them- even if the sunglasses didn't belong to the person.
• There are some circumstances where these phrases are virtually interchangeable, and it is up to the speaker to decide which version to use. For instance, you can use the phrase, "sorry to bother you, but..." or "sorry to interrupt" in exchange for '"excuse me."

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: IM Overload

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Instant Messaging, once a personal feature on our computers and public email domains, has now become fairly commonplace in corporate offices. Used as an inter-community real-time messaging service, it has a lot of pluses and minuses associated with it. When you've got a lot to do and not a lot of time to waste, it can be irritating to have to field multiple message boxes. Here's what you do when you're too busy to chit chat:

• Evaluate your work: Lots of tech-related companies necessitate the need for quick communications. If you work in one of those companies, you're getting paid to try and juggle your responsibilities accordingly. If not, you're not required to participate.
• Block: Most messaging services have a 'block' feature, something that allows you to not receive any messaging or at least remain 'invisible' or 'inactive.' It's not an offensive thing to do, and you shouldn't have to apologize for needing to work on work time.
• "Busy": If you're unable to cut off all communication ties for some reason, you can simply let the other person know you are unable to communicate by stating that you're busy or that you'll talk later.
• Talk with HR: If it becomes a problem and your coworkers won't quit, you may want to chat with HR about implementing some regulations on IM-ing.
• If you're the one trying to message, be sure you always check to see if the other party is free to chat. Set up away messages when you're unavailable, and when you are available- keep memo's brief and to the point.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: When Your Boss Turns on You

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If you work in a large corporation where there are several layers in the reporting structure, chances are you won't win everyone over with just hard work and a smile. Sometime for no apparent reason, it may seem as if a "higher up" has it 'out for you.' If you find yourself in the middle of mid-meeting attacks, rude emails, and public humiliation, it could be that you're entering the business arena as a potential threat to his or her status. Here's what to do:

• Don't take it personal: Analyze the situation honestly to determine if you are under performing or not carrying your weight on your team. If so, use this as a time to modify and perfect your workplace behaviors.
• Don't fold: If it's getting hot and the pressure is on, don't quit. Look at this situation as an opportunity for growth, and a challenge to overcome. Quitting is only enabling your boss to believe that fear and unfair treatment are the most effective way to manage. I've seen many people come out on the other side if they don't give up. Besides, if they really wanted to fire you, they will. And, a decent severance package can help heal the pain.
  
• Time trial: No one can be subject to these ego-blows forever. Pretty soon, the chances of the boss finding someone new to pick on will be pretty good- especially if you show no signs of reprise. On the other hand, if you are experiencing inner-office cruelty for extended periods of time, it might be appropriate to visit Human Resources.
  
• Find affirmation: The only thing that can hurt you from this experience is if you let the harsh words or actions affect your work. Find affirmation in things outside of work and continue to be confident in what you do.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Spouse Cling-Ons

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Many married couples, especially those who've chosen to get married later in life, have experienced their share of significant relationships prior to entering their current union. And for the most part, the appropriate place for those old high school sweethearts is in the dusty yearbooks tucked away in storage. On occasion, however, there can be a 'memory of ghosts boyfriend/girlfriend past' who doesn't want to exit the picture when he or she should. If you're experiencing a case of the 'ex cling-ons,' here's the appropriate way to handle the situation:

• Talk with your spouse: Before deciding to take matters into your own hands, you should talk things through with your partner. Perhaps they didn't realize how offended you were by former girlfriend/boyfriends text messaging or Facebook posting. Or maybe they are unsure of how to handle the situation because the person happens to work in the same office as they do. Opening the lines of communication is key.
• Address the offender: This is not the time for you to make a 'jealous spouse' debut. Make sure that you allow your spouse to address his/her former fling themselves. In a calm and virtually emotionless tone, he or she should inform the other person that the calls/texts/visits are bothersome to both of you and that they are inappropriate given the current circumstances. He or she may wish them well and end the call.
• If he or she won't...If your spouse is too uncomfortable to manage the conversation for themselves - even though it rightfully is their responsibility - you may intercede on their behalf. Just make sure you are level in your voice and to the point. If the opposing party thinks they've made you loose sleep over the issue, they're achieving what they set out to do.
• Close the door: If the cling-on continues to try to contact your spouse - worse yet if they try to do it in secret- the best option is to ignore them completely. The message has already been made clear and their disrespect for your marriage should send up red flags even for a friendship.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Foot in Mouth

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While most of us are fairly in-tune with our internal radars, no one is above the occasional verbal mishap. Maybe you went off on a political rant at a dinner party where you just 'knew' everyone felt the same, only to find out that one of the guests was employed by the opposing party. Or you made a pessimistic comment about Smart Cars only to find out your conversation-buddy is driving one. Some offenses are graver than others, but for the most part, here's how to navigate them successfully:

Small Situations:

• Use a bit of humor and self-repentance to level the mood. With a smile, admit that you aren't good at keeping your conversation manners in line and that you should've listened to your mother. Staying humble is the best way to go.
• Listen to the other party. After expressing the elephant in the room, allow the other person to express his or her views and then drive the conversation to more neutral ground.
• Don't feel obliged to apologize, especially if you were stating your beliefs. Doing so can compromise your sincerity since you clearly felt compelled enough to discuss it.
• In the future, try to keep especially controversial or conflicting views to yourself- and always be respectful of your dissenters.

Larger Situations:

• If you do find yourself making a serious blunder, don't try to explain your way out of it. The best thing to do is to make a sincere apology and blame yourself only. You may note that it was out of character and you know it was stupid.
• Write a note. If you've really crossed the line (for example, gossiping about an affair you think someone is having and it's overheard), try to summarize your regret on paper.
• In the future, be cognizant of who your talking to and the social implications it could have. Stopping to think before you speak is always a good idea, but since it's not always possible, try to at least be sure you know who you're talking to.

Making Etiquette Easy: Without Thanks

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We've talked about the rules for writing thank-you notes- a fundamental part of following etiquette. But more than just a social courtesy, a thank you note " acts like a receipt and closes the social circuit,” says Jodi R. R. Smith, author of From Clueless to Class Act: Manners for the Modern Woman. Without one, we as gift-givers aren't even sure the gifts were received. Here's what's appropriate to do/say when you haven't received a word of thanks:

• It's usually best to give the receiver a couple of weeks to acknowledge your gift. If the receiver is on their honeymoon, vacationing, or a new mom, your time frame should be more flexible.
• When you've allowed for a reasonable amount of time, give the person a call to check in and see if they've received your gift. In doing this, you aren't directly asking for a thanks, but merely making sure they received the gift (though it may prompt a thank you).
• If you gave the gift in person and therefore know they received it, you might consider asking if they liked the gift and offer to give them a gift receipt if there was any trouble (and be sincere about it, not a meddling Mellie).
• All in all, some people will never send thank-you notes. If you've done everything you can to prompt them as mentioned above, just let it go. Ultimately, the gift should be about the thoughtfulness behind it and while deserving of a thank you, may not always be acknowledged. We are not offering an excuse for the "I just don't write thank you notes" set, but reminding us all that the lack of good social practice is about the person doing it, not the person at which it's being directed.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina