Making Etiquette Easy: Soliciting Donation Money

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Each of us has a cause we love to support, and in many cases we have several causes to support. Because we can be so passionate about those we are helping, it can be hard to draw the line between soliciting donations and abusing our friendships and families for every last dollar. Here are some guidelines to make sure your charity work is charitable for everyone:

• You should almost always feel comfortable approaching family for donations. They are your supports and should be the first resource you turn to. But with distant relatives, try not to reach out to them more than twice a year.
• With friends, you should limit your solicitations to two or three times a year, unless they explicitly state that they want to be more involved in all the work you are doing. You don't want someone to suspect your friendship is obligatory.
• It's okay to send out group emails to your contact list notifying them of opportunities, so long as you protect their email addresses by bcc-ing everyone.
• If you continually are ignored or refused, consider asking the person what causes they support and try to only notify them of similar causes. You should always try to help with opportunities they bring up as well. If you aren't getting anywhere, remove them from your call list.
  

Makinge Etiquette Easy: Wardrobe Intervention

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There are a lot of spoken (and unspoken) rules about what to wear to what kind of events around town. And yes, there is a right and a wrong way to put yourself together, especially for pop-culture events. It's hard to watch our unaware friends or coworkers show up to a wedding in white or a red dress to a funeral. But how do we stop it from happening? It's like a bad wreck and we can't help but look. Here are a few ways to help shelter your friends from realizing they should have done a double-take before leaving the house:

• If you are hosting an event yourself, be sure to specify the dress code on the actual invitation. This way, all guests are given a fair and advance notice of what will be the social norm when they arrive (i.e. "black tie" or "costume party"). You can't be too specific.
• If it isn't your event, call your friend/coworker up beforehand and ask what they plan on wearing to the event. This may give you a window to mention the printed dress code.
  
• If they still aren't getting the memo, volunteer to let them know what you'll be wearing. For example, "I heard it was more formal so we're going to wear black cocktail attire."
• When you get to the actual event, know that you've done all you can do. If they show up out of dress code, try your best to ignore it and have a good time.
  

Making Etiquette Easy: Boss-Employee Friendships

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The age-old question of whether or not bosses can be friends with their employees continues to evolve as new mediums of social interaction are established. With a lot of small businesses and even smaller work groups, the lines of obligation v. actual friendship are hard to draw. If you've got employees that you see outside of work frequently, consider the following:

• Stick to your role first: Remember that as a boss, you have to adhere to specific boundaries first and foremost. Because you have more power in the relationship, you must not abuse it for non-work related activities.
• Hierarchy: Since the hierarchy exists, it can be hard sometimes to develop an equal playing field for a friendship. If they happen naturally it's one thing, but don't force it.
• Don't blur the lines: If you begin questioning whether or not your employee likes spending time outside of work with you or not, try to step back and take a break from getting together for non-work related functions.
• Be honest: If you do feel the situation is getting a bit out of hand, talk to your employee(s) about drawing clearer lines between work and play. Let some time pass and only join in only occasionally. It's better to be professional first.
  

Making Etiquette Easy: They Want to Pay

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Let's face it, we can't all afford to dine at five star restaurants each night and travel every weekend to an exotic destination. But chances are, we all have friends who seem to indulge themselves a little more every once and a while. When they offer to pay for us to join in the fun, why is it so hard to accept them paying our way? Before you jump to say 'no' on the next evening out with your jet-setting friends, here are a few things to remember:

• They would be thrilled. People love to share fun things with good company. If they frequently have an over-the-top lifestyle, it certainly isn't belittling to welcome you in on their plans and pay for it. Remember that social offers aren't obligatory, they are for fun.
• A simple thanks will do. If they've made it clear they will be paying for the evening/activity, don't try to pull out your wallet or continuously make comments about how you feel you should be paying. Simply say thank you and remember to send a note.
• Real friends are just that. True friends actually want to spend time with you, and money isn't an issue. Consider it to be their version of hospitality, even if yours looks more like a backyard BBQ.
  

Making Etiquette Easy: Backing out of Financial Commitments

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While it's never fun to be the 'party-pooper' when it comes to doing fun things with friends, sometimes we find ourselves on the outskirts of the planning process and miss the memo about pricing. So if you find yourself in the runnings for splitting a big bill without your consent, it can be tricky to navigate a way out. If you have to say no, here's how to do it with class:

• In a perfect world, it's best to state your intentions up front, before the planning gets started. For instance, if a group of friends wants to go to Mexico next summer, let them know that your interested but that you have to stay within a set budget. Or if you worry the funds could get muddled, perhaps you state that you are considering buying your own lodging/food while there. This notifies the group that they cannot just lump you into the sum without permission.
• If the planners do make reservations without your consent, contact them immediately. Don't let things sit and stir as there still might be time to fix the problem. Let them know you misunderstood. If the cost is non-refundable and you do feel like you misled the others, offer to pay cancellation fees or even a portion of the trip cost- still much cheaper than actually going.
• Never borrow money to afford the trip.
• If you do decide to go or participate, don't be embittered towards the others in the group. Try to be a good sport and the next time there is a financial collaboration, offer to help organize so that you can control what is spent.
  

Making Etiquette Easy: Copycat Coworkers

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If you've ever been considered a 'fashionista' in the office, you've probably experienced your coworkers approaching you to ask where you purchased that top, how much those earrings cost, or who designed your shoes. While imitation may be the greatest form of flattery, it can be quite frustrating to see your coworkers show up within weeks wearing the exact same clothes, thanks to your tips on where to find them. Here's how to dissuade this copy catty-ness:

• Contrary to our very public culture, you don't have to be forthcoming about everything. Since many people just aren't aware of how invasive their questioning can be, it's important that you don't feel badgered into answering, which leaves you without control in the conversation
  
• Instead, respond with things like, "this old thing?" If the item is obviously brand new (as many trend-driven items are) you can communicate that you don't remember where you bought it. These days, many things can be bought second-hand or in vintage shops, where they are one of a kind.
  
• Another great way to redirect the conversation is to suggest places where they sell similar items, so you know you're coworker won't find the exact same article of clothing.
• As far as price quotes are concerned, don't feel that you have to divulge that information, either. Feel free to tell the other party that you'd rather not say, you don't remember, it was a gift, etc.

Making Etiquette Easy, Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Cubicles

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For those of you who work in close quarters like cubicle-styled offices, there is a whole new set of rules to abide by. Tensions run high when people don’t feel like they have their own space. Here are a few tips to remember if you’re in a tight spot:

• Avoid the urge to actively eavesdrop. Even though most noise travels pretty well, try not to answer questions if they aren’t being asked of you.
• Be aware of your vocals and keep them low. As your mother would say, use your ‘quiet voice.’ And when you need to talk to your next-door coworker, get up and go to their cube, do not yell over the wall.
• Don’t abuse technology. Speakerphones and music are out of the question. Bring headphones if you want to listen to something and otherwise just plan on contributing to the white noise.
• Cubicles are not private. For private conversations, suggest meeting in a meeting room with a closed door. Do not say anything within a cubicle you wouldn’t wish everyone in the office to know about.
• If you’d like to speak with someone, always ask if you can come into his or her space. Don’t surprise them. When a person stands or begins walking towards the entrance of the cubicle, that is your cue to politely exit.
• Munch lightly. If you have to eat at your desk, make sure you aren’t eating anything with a pungent aroma that will carry over the cubes.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Telemarketers

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You’re sitting at the dinner table and the phone rings. Against your better judgment, you pick up, only to hear the familiar insurgence of sales words. Telemarketers can be downright frustrating, and it’s easy to consider dismissing them with the click of a dial tone. Since it’s not the person and rather the company you are really angry at, remember these things next time you get an unwanted call:

• Check Caller ID: If you have Caller ID, this is probably the easiest way to filter unwanted calls. If it’s a really bad time or you’re in a bad mood, don’t pick up. If you are ready to confront the issue politely and prevent these calls in the future, pick up with a friendly voice.
• Hear them out: Always try to patiently wait out their introductory speech. It’s likely as hard for them as it is for you. Wait until there is a break in the conversation before you interrupt.
• Express your disinterest: Be clear about your intentions. Leading a telemarketer on is not only rude, but it is costing them valuable commission money they could be making on another customer.
• You can be politely stern. If the telemarketer isn’t complying after you’ve expressed your disinterest, sternly state your ground again.
• Ask to be removed from their call list. An easy way to end these encounters in the future (ignoring them doesn’t mean they won’t keep calling) is to ask for a confirmation number that they’ve removed you. Then visit, www.donotcall.gov to manually remove yourself from most calling lists.
• At last resolve, if the person will not stop soliciting you, you’ve done all you can. Let them know you are going to disconnect the line, and then do so.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Basic Bathroom Etiquette

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It used to be that the restroom served on purpose, but these days it’s become a feeding ground for ill-mannered folks to feel like they can get away with a few more things than usual. So, we’re going back to the basics and taking a look at some bathroom etiquette, and for some of us, “laws of the ladies lounge.”

• Hall Pass: Remember when you used to have to take a large wooden peg with you to the restroom in school? Teachers started this when students began abusing their liberty of using the facilities. Instead, they would wander the halls and dilly-dally. The same thing has been happening in the workplace. Don’t abuse the privilege for reapplying makeup all day or wasting time.
• Always wash your hands and clean your mess. Of course we all know that the little metal handle is intended to be pushed, but too many people don’t follow-through on their flush. Be courteous to those coming in after you and make sure the stall is as neat or neater than when you left. If there is no toilet paper left, either replace it or alert maintenance. Always wash your hands.
• Pay attention when you enter the restroom. You may be in a huge hurry to go, but you should check underneath stalls (ladies) to see which ones are occupied. Pushing doors with flimsy locks can only lead to embarrassment for both parties.
• Respect your neighbor’s privacy. If there is only one other person in the restroom, try not to take the stall directly next to them. In the same light, do not carry on (or try to carry on) conversation with coworkers while in the bathroom. If you came together, whoever is finished should wait outside for the other person.
• Don’t call people from the restroom. Unfortunately this has become all too common these days. Using your cell phone in this private place creates anxiety for others who are in the restroom to use it, not to chat. Respect this policy and let people know you will call them back in a few minutes.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Funerals

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Sadly, the amount of funerals we attend seems to multiply as we age. And what’s most upsetting at times is when people are disrespectful at these somber occasions because they didn’t brush up on their etiquette- or maybe even common sense. Remember these things next time you attend one. While many people may not notice your appropriate behavior, they will certainly notice when you act in bad taste.

• Only attend funerals for people you know or whom your spouse/family was close to. You should blend into the crowd, not waving to everyone you know like it is a social event. Remember that while you might have already reconciled the passing of this person, others may need time to grieve.
• Never take pictures or video/phone media to record any part of the service. These ceremonies, unless nationally broadcast, are meant to pay homage in privacy. Besides, the result of this media usually only relives the sadness.
• If you’ve offered to help with the planning, food arrangements, or accommodations for guests, do not charge the family for such services. People get taken advantage of in times of distress, and you should be there for support, not profit.
• Be careful of your commentary. Comments about the size of the funeral or stories of things ‘far worse’ that have happened to yourself or your friends are not appropriate in this setting. Never complain about the food, weather, or time frame of the ceremony.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Internet Forums

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Internet forums, chat rooms, and fan sites attract a wide audience. From avid sports fans, gamers, or stay at home moms who want to give advice, it’s safe to say that the viral communication is going on 24/7. The beauty of these forums- whether membership-based or open to the public, is that anyone can join in. The downside is that foul play tends to run amuck…

• You are free to be anonymous, but keep it nice. Lots of folks tend to get extra-heated about controversial topics and voice their anger through forums. And even though anyone can state anything under their alias name, it doesn’t make it okay to be disrespectful.
• Do not use all caps. Using all caps is the equivalent of shouting at someone, and it’s distracting to read as well.
• If you are posting feedback, make sure it’s relevant. Comments like “Agreed” are best left unsaid. Try to bring value to a conversation thread or refrain from typing at all. In that respect, read the posts beforehand to make sure you aren’t cutting in with a random thought.
• Keep your signatures (anonymous or not) small and to the point. People enter these chat rooms and forums to read content, not your bio.
• Always keep on topic. Don’t dig up old threads to respond to that have clearly been archived for a long time. There’s a reason the conversation didn’t go anywhere the first time.
• When posting pictures, make sure they are web-appropriate. Nothing controversial (or oversized) should distract from your message.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Taking Pictures

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We carry cameras with us everywhere- from small digital cyber shots to smart phone applications, we can capture anything at nearly any time. And in a society that is visually-driven, it can be hard to draw the line between privacy and public. Here are some pieces of the ‘bigger etiquette picture:’

• Are pictures allowed? Check to see if you can take photographs. Some historical places and churches have stiff rules about photographs and you might risk getting in trouble.
• Out takes: Never take pictures near or in dressing rooms, near cash wraps or where sensitive information might be displayed, or near any other places that could be seen as incriminating.
• Do not block people: If you are in a public place, such as a concert, make sure your photographs don’t obstruct the view for other people.
• Ask permission: If you are taking pictures that include strangers, you should certainly ask their permission. If not before, be sure to show them the photograph and ask their permission to keep it.
• Post Protection: Prior to uploading photos of others on your computer to share with the world, be sure to get permission from the other people in the pictures. It is not appropriate for them to find out their embarrassing photos from college have been shared with the world without their consent. If you question anything, wait.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: New Babies

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Just because babies are too young to know anything about right and wrong- let alone etiquette, it doesn’t mean that adults are exempt from minding their manners when in the presence of one. If you’ve recently had an infant addition to your family, or maybe just to a good friend, keep these things in mind:

• Three Day Rule: New mothers need their rest and they also need time to bond with their baby. It’s best not to call or request a visit (unless told you could) until at least three days have passed. Immediate family is the exception to the rule, though even then they shouldn’t insist on staying the night.
• Do the Work: One of the most common poor etiquette pitfalls is to show up at the newborns home and watch the new mom have to work while everyone holds her child. Guests should never expect meals or to be served, and should instead offer to help in any way possible.
• Use Technology: New parents should utilize their voicemail and websites to publicly announce when visitors are welcome, which should help prevent unannounced guests.
• Adult Thank-You’s: New parents should send notes of thanks for gifts from themselves, not on behalf of the child. They should also send out birth announcements within three months to notify friends and family.
• Listen to Mom: Take cues from the new mother. If she’s dressed in pajamas, tells you she has to feed the newborn, or let’s you know her pediatrician doesn’t want the baby passed around much, listen. It might be that you want to return to visit at another time.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: New Neighbors

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Whether you’re just moving into the neighborhood or you’re welcoming some newcomers yourself, here are some social graces to remember that will create lasting impressions made to go the distance of your stay:

When they’re new:

• Always make sure to introduce yourself to them first. Everyone loves to feel welcomed.
• Create a list of neighborhood advice, including things they wouldn’t think to ask and important dates
• Promptly give them any house keys you may have been storing for the previous tenant.
• Always call before coming over, even if they live next door and you know they are home. Everyone needs privacy and an advance warning.

When you’re new:

• Host your own housewarming party to get to know the neighbors.
• Wave at your neighbors, even if you haven’t had a chance to meet them yet
• Be respectful and pay attention to any grievances you might be causing your neighbors (i.e. your dog running into their yard, the tree limbs that need to be trimmed, etc.)
• Always write thank you notes and leave them for your neighbors if they bring you anything.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Elevators

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They go up and down but the rules never change. Elevator etiquette is something anyone should have, especially if you’re a businessperson. We interface with our peers everyday on elevators, and one bad move there may translate to a lack of professionalism elsewhere. Here are some tips for riding right:

• Exit First: Always let outgoing passengers get off prior to entering the elevator. Most people understand this, but remarkably fewer actually do it.
• Don’t be Lazy: If you’ve only got one or two floors to travel and you’re in reasonably good shape, take the stairs. It can be aggravating for passengers who still have thirty floors to go and they have to stop twice for your quick in and out.
• Hold the Door: If you notice someone’s trying to make the elevator, hold the door for them. If you’ve been holding the door for a short bit waiting on colleagues or friends, don’t be disrespectful to the people already in the carriage and let your colleagues catch the next ride.
• Be Sick Solo: If you’re not well, wait for an empty carriage to arrive before getting on and contaminating others with your illness
• Keep your Space: People get very uncomfortable in elevators, which is only exacerbated by people getting too close to one another. Try to stay equidistant between passengers.
• Don’t expect someone to push your button for you. Once you’ve pushed yours, you should ask if you can hit a number for the other passengers, but don’t expect them to do it for you.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: The Break Up

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We live in a generation where the lines of communication have become both advanced and nonexistent all at the same time. There's no better proof of this than in the dating circuit, especially when it's decided that a relationship road must come to an end. Below are some common strategies for ending romantic relationships, as well as some thoughts regarding the appropriate way to handle these unfortunate situations with sensitivity and grace:

• Just Do It: The most annoying and inappropriate form of breaking up is the 'disappearance' of ones significant other. With all the resources out there to communicate and stay in touch, it's unacceptable to leave someone unsure of the status of your relationship. Manners dictate that no matter how scared you are to tell the truth, you must.
• I Want 2 Break up: That being said, texting and emailing are not the way to go either. Avoid delivering any serious news via a text message. With all the social online dating sites, your relationship may have started there, but it certainly shouldn't end using that forum.
• Time Sensitivity: It is important not to schedule this potentially difficult conversation around an important event for the other person. Holidays, birthdays, work deadlines, and final exams all count for 'bad timing.'
• Privacy: Put yourself in the other person's shoes. My guess is that you certainly would not like to receive this information at a bar, in a public restaurant, or the like. Treat the matter with respect and tell the person one-on-one in a private face-to-face setting.
• Move Along: When it's all over, show respect for the other person by keeping your negative thoughts to yourself. The only thing worse than being broken up with via text message is having this news plastered all over the internet via social media.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Staring

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We were all taught that if we were going to stare, we might as well 'take a picture, it'll last longer.' But sometime the people watching is half of the fun, not to mention the time it helps pass as we commute along during our workday. Somewhere between the idea that we should be flattered when people take notice of us and the fact that it is impolite to stare, lie the rules of everyday staring:

• Avoid Staring: It's always best not to stare, but some of us have to be cognizant of this action in order to stop it. If you're in a crowded space, try to focus your attention on something like your laptop or straight ahead on signage. It's okay to look around, but make sure you shift your glaze and don't fixate on any one single person.
• Dress the Part: If you always find yourself too curious to look away, consider investing in some sunglasses, or at least carry a distraction (i.e. newspaper or cell phone) so that if you do get too antsy, you can focus in on something else.
• Caught in the Act: If someone notices you looking their direction, the best thing to do is give them a quick and kind smile and then turn your gaze elsewhere. There's no need to make a big deal of it, but it can quickly become one if you don't stop.
• How to Respond: What if you're the object of a "Staring Tom?" Try your best to grant some mercy- and remember that perhaps they forgot their book or usual conversation partner for the day. If they don't look away, offer a quick smile and don't look their way again.

Making Etiquette Easy: New Friends

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Of course it's true that everyone is busy, but that doesn't mean that we don't crave spending time with quality friends. Maybe you've built up quite a network in the social community, but maybe you haven't. For those of you who travel a lot or work from home, it can be challenging to land and maintain friendships. Here's how you go about it- whether you're a veteran friend-finder or a novice:

• Be Bold: The main reason we miss out on friends is often because we don't seize the moment. When you meet someone intriguing or like-minded and you've shared some time in conversation, be sure to ask for their card or at least get their name. You never know when your circles may cross again. It's perfectly okay to let someone know you enjoyed their company and would love to get drinks in the near future.
• Follow-Up: May people freeze when it comes to figuring out how long to wait and what to suggest. Yes, calling a new friend can often feel like a cold-call to ask someone on a date, but at least the romantic variable is removed. Wait at least a week or so and then suggest to meet somewhere neutral (i.e. a park if you are a stay-at-home mom, a local restaurant you've been wanting to try, or doing something unique to the city you just moved to). If they turn down your initial offer, put the ball in their court to see if they have any other times/ideas.
• Look for common interests: When you kick off a new friendship, focus on your common interests. Sometimes it's easiest to establish friendships with people you know you will see regularly (i.e. at the group yoga class, the art class, or when you both volunteer at the church).
• Let it evolve naturally: Some of us have experienced the 'crazy boyfriend/girlfriend' scenarios where they wouldn't stop calling or they would show up unexpectedly at our door. This is not who you want to be to your new friend. Some people may literally not have enough time to do things; some may have too much time. Be patient and let things play out naturally. Keep yourself in control and always remember you can say 'no,' too.
• Introduce them to your 'old' friends: If you enjoy your new friends company, why not share it? Invite them to be a part of your broader circle of friends if you live close to everyone. If not, start the foundation for a new circle of friends.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: I'm Sorry v. Excuse Me

In today's culture, we often mix up regret with pardon or visa versa. While most people are gracious enough to let it slide, it is important that we know when to say we're 'sorry' or when to say 'excuse me.' There's no need to take the blame when it isn't necessary, but it is equally important to take the blame when it is necessary.

• "I'm sorry" should be used when there has been an offense, such as stepping on someone's toes or intentionally/accidentally bumping into someone. It is a passive form of expressing regret. For instance, "I'm sorry I bumped you in the shoulder."
• Use the words 'I'm sorry' sparingly. Annoying at best, the repetition of this phrase only waters down its true meaning. When it is used incorrectly, it also puts the receiving person in an awkward spot because they are unsure of how to respond.
• "Excuse me" should be used when you are trying to politely get someone's attention, attempting to navigate through a crowd, or when you are approaching a stranger to ask something of them . For instance, you might say, "Excuse me, did you leave your sunglasses on the boat?" In this example, you needn't apologize for trying to help them- even if the sunglasses didn't belong to the person.
• There are some circumstances where these phrases are virtually interchangeable, and it is up to the speaker to decide which version to use. For instance, you can use the phrase, "sorry to bother you, but..." or "sorry to interrupt" in exchange for '"excuse me."

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: IM Overload

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Instant Messaging, once a personal feature on our computers and public email domains, has now become fairly commonplace in corporate offices. Used as an inter-community real-time messaging service, it has a lot of pluses and minuses associated with it. When you've got a lot to do and not a lot of time to waste, it can be irritating to have to field multiple message boxes. Here's what you do when you're too busy to chit chat:

• Evaluate your work: Lots of tech-related companies necessitate the need for quick communications. If you work in one of those companies, you're getting paid to try and juggle your responsibilities accordingly. If not, you're not required to participate.
• Block: Most messaging services have a 'block' feature, something that allows you to not receive any messaging or at least remain 'invisible' or 'inactive.' It's not an offensive thing to do, and you shouldn't have to apologize for needing to work on work time.
• "Busy": If you're unable to cut off all communication ties for some reason, you can simply let the other person know you are unable to communicate by stating that you're busy or that you'll talk later.
• Talk with HR: If it becomes a problem and your coworkers won't quit, you may want to chat with HR about implementing some regulations on IM-ing.
• If you're the one trying to message, be sure you always check to see if the other party is free to chat. Set up away messages when you're unavailable, and when you are available- keep memo's brief and to the point.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: When Your Boss Turns on You

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If you work in a large corporation where there are several layers in the reporting structure, chances are you won't win everyone over with just hard work and a smile. Sometime for no apparent reason, it may seem as if a "higher up" has it 'out for you.' If you find yourself in the middle of mid-meeting attacks, rude emails, and public humiliation, it could be that you're entering the business arena as a potential threat to his or her status. Here's what to do:

• Don't take it personal: Analyze the situation honestly to determine if you are under performing or not carrying your weight on your team. If so, use this as a time to modify and perfect your workplace behaviors.
• Don't fold: If it's getting hot and the pressure is on, don't quit. Look at this situation as an opportunity for growth, and a challenge to overcome. Quitting is only enabling your boss to believe that fear and unfair treatment are the most effective way to manage. I've seen many people come out on the other side if they don't give up. Besides, if they really wanted to fire you, they will. And, a decent severance package can help heal the pain.
  
• Time trial: No one can be subject to these ego-blows forever. Pretty soon, the chances of the boss finding someone new to pick on will be pretty good- especially if you show no signs of reprise. On the other hand, if you are experiencing inner-office cruelty for extended periods of time, it might be appropriate to visit Human Resources.
  
• Find affirmation: The only thing that can hurt you from this experience is if you let the harsh words or actions affect your work. Find affirmation in things outside of work and continue to be confident in what you do.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Spouse Cling-Ons

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Many married couples, especially those who've chosen to get married later in life, have experienced their share of significant relationships prior to entering their current union. And for the most part, the appropriate place for those old high school sweethearts is in the dusty yearbooks tucked away in storage. On occasion, however, there can be a 'memory of ghosts boyfriend/girlfriend past' who doesn't want to exit the picture when he or she should. If you're experiencing a case of the 'ex cling-ons,' here's the appropriate way to handle the situation:

• Talk with your spouse: Before deciding to take matters into your own hands, you should talk things through with your partner. Perhaps they didn't realize how offended you were by former girlfriend/boyfriends text messaging or Facebook posting. Or maybe they are unsure of how to handle the situation because the person happens to work in the same office as they do. Opening the lines of communication is key.
• Address the offender: This is not the time for you to make a 'jealous spouse' debut. Make sure that you allow your spouse to address his/her former fling themselves. In a calm and virtually emotionless tone, he or she should inform the other person that the calls/texts/visits are bothersome to both of you and that they are inappropriate given the current circumstances. He or she may wish them well and end the call.
• If he or she won't...If your spouse is too uncomfortable to manage the conversation for themselves - even though it rightfully is their responsibility - you may intercede on their behalf. Just make sure you are level in your voice and to the point. If the opposing party thinks they've made you loose sleep over the issue, they're achieving what they set out to do.
• Close the door: If the cling-on continues to try to contact your spouse - worse yet if they try to do it in secret- the best option is to ignore them completely. The message has already been made clear and their disrespect for your marriage should send up red flags even for a friendship.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Foot in Mouth

Image from blog.luckyvitamin.com

While most of us are fairly in-tune with our internal radars, no one is above the occasional verbal mishap. Maybe you went off on a political rant at a dinner party where you just 'knew' everyone felt the same, only to find out that one of the guests was employed by the opposing party. Or you made a pessimistic comment about Smart Cars only to find out your conversation-buddy is driving one. Some offenses are graver than others, but for the most part, here's how to navigate them successfully:

Small Situations:

• Use a bit of humor and self-repentance to level the mood. With a smile, admit that you aren't good at keeping your conversation manners in line and that you should've listened to your mother. Staying humble is the best way to go.
• Listen to the other party. After expressing the elephant in the room, allow the other person to express his or her views and then drive the conversation to more neutral ground.
• Don't feel obliged to apologize, especially if you were stating your beliefs. Doing so can compromise your sincerity since you clearly felt compelled enough to discuss it.
• In the future, try to keep especially controversial or conflicting views to yourself- and always be respectful of your dissenters.

Larger Situations:

• If you do find yourself making a serious blunder, don't try to explain your way out of it. The best thing to do is to make a sincere apology and blame yourself only. You may note that it was out of character and you know it was stupid.
• Write a note. If you've really crossed the line (for example, gossiping about an affair you think someone is having and it's overheard), try to summarize your regret on paper.
• In the future, be cognizant of who your talking to and the social implications it could have. Stopping to think before you speak is always a good idea, but since it's not always possible, try to at least be sure you know who you're talking to.

Making Etiquette Easy: Without Thanks

Image from PBS.org

We've talked about the rules for writing thank-you notes- a fundamental part of following etiquette. But more than just a social courtesy, a thank you note " acts like a receipt and closes the social circuit,” says Jodi R. R. Smith, author of From Clueless to Class Act: Manners for the Modern Woman. Without one, we as gift-givers aren't even sure the gifts were received. Here's what's appropriate to do/say when you haven't received a word of thanks:

• It's usually best to give the receiver a couple of weeks to acknowledge your gift. If the receiver is on their honeymoon, vacationing, or a new mom, your time frame should be more flexible.
• When you've allowed for a reasonable amount of time, give the person a call to check in and see if they've received your gift. In doing this, you aren't directly asking for a thanks, but merely making sure they received the gift (though it may prompt a thank you).
• If you gave the gift in person and therefore know they received it, you might consider asking if they liked the gift and offer to give them a gift receipt if there was any trouble (and be sincere about it, not a meddling Mellie).
• All in all, some people will never send thank-you notes. If you've done everything you can to prompt them as mentioned above, just let it go. Ultimately, the gift should be about the thoughtfulness behind it and while deserving of a thank you, may not always be acknowledged. We are not offering an excuse for the "I just don't write thank you notes" set, but reminding us all that the lack of good social practice is about the person doing it, not the person at which it's being directed.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Money & Family

Image from Girls Just Wanna Have Funds

As we've all grown older, it's obvious that the traditional platform of our parents providing for us and our siblings should be winding down when we hit our 20's, right? Some have found that even our parents - let alone siblings - are running into financial trouble as a result of the stock market, economy, or just plain money-management issues. If we're living the 'good life,' how can we help family members financially without overstepping our bounds?

• First, take the time to think about whether offering financial help will be received graciously or if your offer could be taken the wrong way and end up being offensive. Each family has their own dynamics
• Second, formulate a specific way to help. Many families find that offering money as a one-time gift alleviates the strings of feeling indebted. However, some family members may want to pay you back, so be open to letting them work up a payment plan. Just remember, no matter how good the intentions, you must treat it as a gift in case they aren't able to pay you back.
• Thirdly, money isn't the only option. Chances are that your family members have had to sacrifice along the way. Consider treating them to dinner, sending gift cards to the local supermarket, or surprising them with little gifts along the way. The key is to minimize the focus on their humility and instead perform casual acts of kindness.
• It's easier to give when "the ask" doesn't happen every day. You definitely do not want to be an "enabler" when it comes to family member who cannot manage their finances, so if you do get a request for a loan "just to get them through the month," feel free to offer them in establishing a budget, etc.
• Lastly, learn from experience. Mixing money and family can be a very delicate dance. If you notice that the family members are abusing your generosity or simply not being good stewards of the gifts, it's probably time to close the bank.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Smoke Signals

Image from Commons.Wikimedia.Org

For those of us who are non-smokers, it can be hard to be around a habit that we disagree with and genuinely find unpleasant. When we're trying to enjoy a nice meal on a restaurant patio, it can be hard to decipher the taste of the food from the noxious smell. Or when we're interviewing employees (or even babysitters), it can be hard to jump right in after smelling "the habit" on someone's clothes or breath. So where's the line in discussing someone's personal habit in terms of work and social life?

• If you're in a public place that allows smoking, there isn't really much you can do. The best way to handle a close-quarters situation is to politely relocate.
• If you're in a place where smoking isn't permitted, by all means you should approach the establishment owner or staff to request they put the kibosh on the cigarette smoke filtering your way; you shouldn't have to exchange words with the smoking patron.
• While it is not politically correct to judge someone in an interview by their personal habits, it is your right to discuss how many workday breaks are acceptable, a code of hygiene for client interactions, etc. These things tend to be the largest issues with employees who smoke.
• When you want to address a smoking situation for personal reasons (i.e. babysitters, family visiting your home, etc), feel free to make it clear that you really value the person but dislike the habit. In your own home, you are allowed to set house boundaries, especially when it affects those you love.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Reciprocating a Meal

Image from Open Salon

Say you've just moved into a new neighborhood and your next-door neighbors are insisting you join them for dinner. And after you've endured hours of painful social interaction- whether they were just plain rude, too quiet, or gossipy- you want nothing more than to put an occasion like this behind you. But that nagging feeling of obligation makes you believe you have to reciprocate their offer, so do you?

• The feeling of obligation in this situation is something we bring upon ourselves. You certainly do not have to invite the neighbors over for dinner just to 'even the score.' Perhaps they felt the same way about your company and won't be badgering you for any dinner dates in the near future.
• If you're willing to give it another go, try to integrate them into a larger group. Consider inviting them over for a larger social event at your home so that you aren't sucked into talking to only them.
• Maybe you feel that it's best not to have any future social interaction. In this case, you can easily send a food basket, flowers, or a nice thank-you gift to your hosts in lieu of enduring another evening of unpleasantness.
• If they continue to ask you to get together, be upfront about not being available. Over time, hopefully they will ask less.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Weekend Run-in’s

Image from Jupiter Images

As invincible as we’d like to think we are, none of us are free from the occasional awkward run-in with a business contact or employee on our free time. We might be bumping carts at Costco, in the waiting room of the doctor’s office, or even out of town for a quick get-away. And while we almost always regret wearing those questionable pair of shorts or old tee-shirt, there are a few things to make the situation less awkward and get you out of there faster:

• Always be prepared: Like the Boy Scouts, you should know that whenever you venture out of your house, there’s a likelihood that you will run into someone you know. The chances of this seem to grow exponentially when you don’t look your best. Consider taking the extra time to ‘pull yourself together,’ it will help alleviate any embarrassment on your part and possibly perceived rudeness from others when you aren’t your friendliest.
• Acknowledgement: When you do run into someone you know, be sure to acknowledge him or her. While it seems easier to just ignore them at first, it can be off-putting. Even if it’s just a wave, it’s a polite courtesy and a subliminal affirmation of value.
• Start & finish the conversation: Chances are that both of you were enjoying your own version of a stress-free weekend, so making conversation while wearing your Croc’s is a definitive turn in the opposite direction. It is polite to say ‘hello’ and ask how the person is doing. But after that, it’s best to let them have their privacy by ending the conversation with something like, ‘I will let you get back to shopping/etc.”
• Mind your own business: If you continue to see them or run into them at the same location after you’ve exchanged words, you needn’t say anything else. Go on about your business and allow the other person to do the same. As stated, this really only works once you’ve exchanged a ‘hello.’

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Better Offers/Invites

Image from www.sodahead.com

How many times have you found yourself lightheartedly accepting a social offer and later putting your foot into your mouth when you’re presented with a better one? It happens to all of us at one time or another. How were you to know that you were going to be given front row concert tickets to your favorite band of all time the same night you agreed to go to a pal’s birthday party?

There are always exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, here are the rules for accepting and handling obligations:

• Weigh all offers carefully: Before you ever accept an invitation - be it a a social event, a networking opportunity, or a corporate obligation - think through it carefully. It’s okay to let someone know you are appreciative of their offer and get back to them at an acceptable date in the near future. If you are trying not to miss important annual events, anticipate their timing by searching online in advance.
• Commit and don’t look back: Once you say ‘yes,’ make your word as good as gold. You may receive several invitations for the exact same date and time, but you’ve already committed to one. The most important thing to remember is that your reputation is built on your trustworthiness, which starts with honoring your commitments.
• Express regret: When you do receive other offers, make sure to let the inviting party know immediately that you have a prior commitment, but that you are grateful for their offer and would love to "take a rain check" (if applicable). It is impolite to discuss all the other events you had to turn down with the host of the event you do actually attend.
• If you have to cancel…In rare circumstances, you might find yourself with no choice but to cancel your initial RSVP. These circumstances include: family illness or death, or any other kind of unforeseen catastrophe. Most other excuses on the list risk generally are considered in bad form and your hosts may not forget or forgive them easily. As it is in business with clients, you should always treat each obligation as if it were your only one.
• And whatever you do, do not cancel via email. Always call the person/organization to which you are committed with an appropriate apology. If it's a speaking engagement or business commitment, always have a back up plan so you are no leaving those to whom you've committed in a lurch.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy:Responding to Job Applicants

Image from Resume Tips 365

We've covered topics about how to conduct proper business etiquette when being interviewed as a candidate, but there is a whole other side to the interviewing table--the employer. In today's digital age, the image you project and the way you handle job queries and applicants can have widespread effects on how the company is perceived by many.

· Make it Personal. For as impersonal as many company job application sites are, it is important for any applicant to feel like they will be able to connect with a real person during the process. If at all possible, provide a name for the applicant to address their resume/CV to, even if the email account is generic (i.e. info@________.com).

· Be clear about job expectations & requirements. When posting jobs online, it’s your company’s responsibility to be upfront and clear about job expectations and requirements prior to receiving submissions. The more specific you are in the description, the smoother the process.

· Always respond to an inquiry. One of the biggest downfalls of online applications for candidates is the uncertainty that their materials have even been received. If you anticipate a large volume of applicants, the first item of protocol is to ensure that you at least have an automated response letting applicants know their materials have been received. If possible, the most professional measure is to send individual emails to candidates, whereby you can notify them ‘personally’ that you will be considering them or keeping their resume on file.

· Be flexible with interview schedules. When you do decide to take your pick out of the crop of resumes and begin the interview process, make sure you are understanding of their time constraints. Don’t expect someone to be able to come in on the same-day and be willing to work around his or her current job schedule. As bad as they want the job, it may be impossible for them to get to your office for a same day interview.

· Allow the Interviewee to ask questions. Many employers can get wrapped up in the interview process, treating it like a company presentation. Make sure to engage the interviewer and ask relevant questions that allow both of you to see where they would fit into the company picture and what kind of partnership this might form.

· Follow up on interviews. Unfortunately, I’ve heard far too many stories of candidates going in for one or more interviews, only to be left hanging afterwards. It’s vital to a company’s reputation to, at the very least, let a candidate know the position has been filled or that they are not being selected for the role. This not only shows your proactive care for potential employees, but also frees you up from getting continuous calls about the status of an individual’s application.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina

Making Etiquette Easy: Coffee Shop Business

Image from Slashgear

These days, coffee shops are the quintessential 'out of office' meeting place and many home office-based consultants consider it their "flex office." If you've been to your local coffee house lately, you've witnessed what I'm describing. You're bound to find several business folks

typing on keypads, chatting on cell-phones, and sipping on the latest espresso creation. For those who do spend a good chunk of their day at the nearest corner shop, be sure to remember some responsible coffee house etiquette:

• Point of Sale: The first order of business when you enter a retail location, even if they offer free wi-fi, is to prove your patronage. Even if your purchase is small, it counts as your ticket to politely occupy space. As a rule of thumb, at least one out of every two people in a group should purchase something.
• Single Seating: If you're sitting (working) alone, be sure to seek out the smallest area of space. If there is a free seat next to a window bar or even a two-seater, always choose this option over seating that is meant for a larger group. If your only option is a larger table, be aware of other customers looking for seats and offer to share your space.
• Watch the Clock: While you're welcome to come anytime during business hours, a coffee shop should not be your primary place of work. Be sure to acknowledge the staff and not wear out your welcome, both things that will pay off in the long run.
• Beware of the Broadband: Make sure you're not draining the internet energy out of the room by downloading video's or hosting online video conferences. Keep everyone up to speed by working on basic documents and emails.
• Use your "Inside" Voice: Make sure the volume is off on your computer so that you aren't a distraction to other patrons and if you need to take a call, keep your decibel level to a minimum.
• Clean Up: Always be mindful to return chairs and clean up your work area/coffee when you are ready to leave.

Making Etiquette Easy,

Susan K. Medina